Guide on Dating and Men: Part 3 - It really is better to be single than sorry

Now this topic really gets me worked up. I know SOOO many girls who settle because in their mind, having someone/anyone, is better than being alone. It's such a sad state of affairs and you just want to shake them up and say "Ladies! You are beautiful, smart, and fun! Why are you settling!?"


Of course, I'm the first to admit, it's no fun sitting around by yourself on a Friday or Saturday night wishing you had someone to snuggle with. But as much as it seems better to be out with anyone, you're doing yourself a favor by being alone.


1. You won't end up settling yourself all the way to the alter.
Yes, this happens. I know a girl who for the life of me, I don't even know why she went out on a second date with this bozo. Oh, wait. Nevermind, I do. All her friends were married with children (mind you, I think she was 26 or 27 at the time, still a young whippersnapper). To use the word desperate would be an understatement.  Now, she wasn't the most fun, prettiest girl in the lot, but she had some good qualities, and for sure she could have done MUCH better. This guy was a straight up loser. He still lived with his parents, had never had a real job, loved gaming, had no sense of being an adult or even wanting to grow up. To this day, I'm not sure how he even proposed. Something tells me he really didn't have a say in it. I'm seeing an ultimatum here, and based on his laziness track, decided he wasn't going to find another woman to have regular, free sex with, and that would deal with his moron-self, so he agreed.

All her friends were mortified. This guy not only was a loser, but was rude. He would make rude comments about how stupid she was, and it left you wondering, "if you think she's so stupid, why are you with her?" It made everyone uncomfortable. He was rude to her friends. If she wanted to have people over for dinner in her house that she paid the mortgage in, we would hear him stomping around, sighing loudly, and playing his stupid video games at top volume. Get a life! Respect your finance. Go out with other friends! It was ridiculous.

Well, the story just gets worse. She ended up getting pregnant after trying for a few long years. We all hoped that maybe by becoming a dad, this guy would grow up. No such luck. It's really really sad. He won't ever be with his son alone, so basically, this girl can't go anywhere without taking the baby. Not even to run up to Kroger for some milk. He thinks the baby is a brat, he never helps with diapers, feeding in the middle of the night, taking to daycare, etc.

I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone, but unless something happens, I think that's where this is going to end up. And this poor child will grow up with a loving, yet spineless mother, and a father who probably won't even send him a birthday card once a year. Either that, or they never get divorced. He, because he's too lazy, and she, because she doesn't want to ruin this illusion she thinks she's putting up of the perfect life, complete with baby, husband, home in the suburbs and pet. But while I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone, I wouldn't wish her life on anyone either.

So, how did it get to this point? Because she settled. She decided that going out with this bozo a second/third/etc. time was better than being alone.

2. You won't find someone new when you're dating this loser
Ok, now this one. Wooo boy! Do I know a lot of people in this category. And basically the story is ALWAYS THE SAME. ALWAYS.

Girl meets loser. Girl dates loser. Girl deals with all sorts of drama, fighting, late night talking with girlfriend about how much guy is loser. Girlfriends tell girl to break up. Girl does not break up. Many other men may be interested in girl, but are not interested in asking her out because a) she's dating someone, and b) it appears as though this girl is chock full of drama, and what guy wants that?

So, basically, if you're dealing with a guy that's more drama than he's worth, do yourself and everyone around you a favor and dump his ass. You'll feel like you lost 170 lbs of pure ugly fat. You'll feel great! This will reflect off around you and will make eligible, more desirable bachelors ask you out.


3. Being in a bad relationship can cause depression
There are many types of bad relationships. Ones that are the most obvious are the abusive ones, whether physically or emotionally. However, bad relationships can also just be one where you're never quite as happy as you should be. Worrying constantly, walking on edges to make sure someone doesn't blow up at you, being unhappy in a relationship that is supposed to make you happy, feeling like something is missing, having low self-esteem that keeps you with some loser, being constantly put down, insulted, or having to change who you are for a guy can all do a real toll on your self-esteem. And while feelings of low self-esteem/depression can be prevalent in this relationships, they probably weren't there to that degree before the relationship. For example, the girl in example 1 obviously had some low self-esteem problems, hence the reason she dated that guy in the first place. Yet, now, however low it was to begin with, you can guarantee it's lower now. This starts the vicious cycle. The girl has even lower self-esteem and really doesn't think she can do any better. Now, I'm no psychologist, so I can't go too much deeper into why people think this way, how to help cure low self-esteem, but just remember, your self esteem will only lower if you are in a bad relationship, and who wants that? So, I hope if you are in one, you can recognize it and get out before it's too late! 


4. Your friends won't pity you
Plain and simple. Who wants friends who talk about you behind your back? And it's probably not even pity, just genuine concern. But don't you want friends to be excited for you? Not sad for you?

5. You won't waste the "best years" of your life with some guy who doesn't even appreciate it
Now, I'm not sure I agree with the "best years" mentality, but the truth is, there's a time in every girl's life where the look the best, have the most energy, etc. And if you're wasting it on some bozo just so you can say you have a boyfriend, then you're not doing yourself any favors. So, lose the dude, find some new activity that excites you, and flaunt it since you've got it!

So, moral of this is, if you're in a bad relationship, have some faith in yourself. You're better than that. Dump his ass and enjoy who you are, without the extra weight. You're worth it. And even if you're alone for a very long time, just have faith that there's a reason for that. Maybe it's because the right guy for you is still being "prepped" or the reason is health related, you aren't depressed or being abused. Regardless, it's always better to be single than sorry.

(Clearly this topic was borrowed heavily from Jen Schefft's book)

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found on several blogs with no photo credit

Guide on Dating and Men: Part 2 - If he's a texter, DHA

Dump His Ass

In today's society, the fastest way to get information is the best. Think back even back to telegrams, telephones, faxes, and now emails. The world wants its information and it wants it now. However, there are some areas where the old fashioned way still works, and this is in dating.

Texting in the beginning
A lot of men will text right when they get a girl's number. Whether they got it at a bar, at the grocery store, or online, the first touch is often text messaging.  This leaves a girl in a bind. It's becoming more common place, but we still don't like it. Too often, when this happens to me or a friend, we find ourselves in this textual relationship with a guy that we haven't even been on a date with. It makes it awkward because a girl gets all giddy and excited to get a text from a guy she doesn't even know. Somehow this excitement leads us to believe we're in a quasi-relationship, even if we've never gone out. Often times leading to make a bad date all the more awkward because we've invested so much time in him.

This has happened to me a countless number of times! I can't even begin to list them. The guy will get my number and will text the next day. Usually it's something stupid "what up?" What do you mean, what up? I'm at work, it's Wednesday at noon. Then, it progresses into a long texting relationship where the guy may or not not even end up asking me out. Often the texting is extremely flirty, which is wildly inn appropriate if you've never met the guy. Texting is tiresome and is not meant to build the foundations of a relationship. Texting is meant to deliver quick messages to someone. Whether it's "I'll be a few minutes late" or "Just wanted to say I'm thinking about you." It is not meant to waste a person's time.

So, here's the problem, it's really guys that need to learn not to text in the beginning. How does this knowledge help a girl? Quite simple, actually. If a guy's texting you in the beginning, he's more than likely not worth your time. Just forget about him and stop texting back. If he's really interested, he'll get the clue and call you. If he's just dicking around until a girl comes into the picture that is worth calling, you're better off knowing this now. And I can guarantee, a guy will call a girl he's really interested in. So, if you're getting texts, sorry, you just didn't really do it for that guy. Every single relationship I've been in did not start with a text. The guy always called me. I've had "relationships" with jokesters (read relationship as late night drinking, casual, tons of drama) and these 9 times out of 10 started with texting. This even proved true on eHarmony, when I was on that. Granted, I never dated a guy seriously from that either, but the guys that were good guys, nice, polite, raised well (unfortunately, the chemistry just wasn't there between us) always called to set up the first date. The others either texted after asking for my number for awhile, asked to be my facebook friend, or just emailed a first date, and they all turned out to be duds! So, in my opinion, if a guy is serious about wanting to go out and be in a relationship, he's going to treat it seriously, and that means calling the girl. 

Texting after a date
I wholeheartedly agree with a cute text after the first date. It lets you know the guy liked you and wants to see you again. I love when I get home from a first date and as I'm brushing my teeth, I hear the texting beep and I smile knowing it's the guy. The texts usually say something like "Had fun tonight! I will call you later." (Note the I will call you later). I agree with giving a little positive text back thanking him as well, but that's where the texting should stop. He should call you the next time you have a serious conversation.

Usually those text come after a good first date. They are a very reliable indicator of whether the guy wants to see you again or not.

Texting while in a relationship
Once you're comfortably in a relationship, texting can become a little more common. However, it should be a compliment to talking on the phone, not take its place. I have a friend who's ex-boyfriend and her solely communicated via texting. I'm talking even as extreme as fighting. Not good.. A real man will call you to have adult conversations, whether about his day at work, or about an argument. Let's be real here, how much are you getting to know a person through texting only? It's lazy and insulting. Texting in a relationship can be very useful to say a quick hi while at work to let the person know you were thinking about them, confirming that you'll see each other that night, and a myriad of other reasons. However, it should not be used as the primary way of communication. Hopefully, you've weeded out these guys during the courtship phase, but if not, then it might be time to DHA. He's obviously immature and not serious about you if he can't give you the courtesy of a call.

In general men are ridiculous with texting. Here's a prime example of how guys use and abuse texting.

Poolshark met this guy back in early October at a local bar. She gave him her number and he texted her. I guess she lost interest pretty quickly (women need the call, the human contact to stay interested, otherwise texting just became a chore) and stopped texting him back. This guy did not get the clue. Would text her randomly "what are you doing tonight?" "Happy Thanksgiving." etc. Even really odd messages like "Sorry we couldn't hang out tonight, I had to work late." "Whaaa?" she would think "Did we even have plans for tonight? I haven't talked to you in months." But this shows how easy it is for guys to get into this lazy texting relationship. They're not even going out and he's still texting her. As she put it, thank goodness she never went out with this whackjob! Even as recently as New Year's, she got a text asking what her plans were. Can this guy not get the hint? Poolshark hadn't texted him since end of October back. It's just too ridiculous. But I think it paints a pretty clear picture of just why texting is a no-go. I think there's a lot of other issues there, like why he's so obsessed after few months of not seeing her, but this post is about texting.

You deserve a guy that's willing to put forth the effort to pick up the phone. So, if he's not, move on, you don't want to waste your time with that bozo. You just have to trust if it doesn't feel right, if you don't like it, then your instinct is right on. DHA and find someone who wants to be in a relationship.

Guide on Dating and Men - Part 1: Put away your dialing fingers

Probably the easiest and most important rule I've learned is: DO NOT CALL A GUY.

 

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Ok, we're talking in the early stages here of dating, before you've officially become "an item." At that point, all's fair. But in the beginning, you should never ever call a guy. Never. No exceptions. None. Do I make myself clear here?

First meeting/Getting the digits
When you meet a guy (whether through a friend, at a bar, or online), he should always make the first call. Men are hunters by nature and they enjoy a good hunt. In a good hunt, a rabbit does not come knocking on the fox's door asking "Hi, would you like to chase me for a bit?" And likewise, the girl should not call the guy first.

If a guy suggests that he gives you his number, then one of two things are going on.
1. He's done talking to you, and doesn't know any other polite way to get out of the conversation.
2. He's a lazy SOB, and doesn't want to put any effort into a relationship

Either way, you don't want to be involved with this guy. Now, I hear you saying to me "But what if he's just shy?" Well, in that case, I suggest coyly saying "I'm an old fashioned girl, and don't call boys first. Here's my number." But I didn't see "shy" as an option I listed above. I've tried that maneuver with guys before, and surprise, they didn't call! Either because they weren't that into me, or didn't care to make the first move. Either way, I don't want to be calling him and either embarrassing myself because he doesn't answer, or get involved with a lazy guy. If you're calling the guy first, I can guarantee he'll be lazy in all aspects of the relationship. He won't plan dates, won't call you, and will just date you to sleep with you until he finds someone better. 

Now, if a guy I'm talking to suggests giving me his number, I'll either be straightforward and say "no, that's okay, but I enjoyed talking with you" or take the number and promptly put it in the trash. In neither of these circumstances do I worry about hurting his feeling, because in neither of them, did he care if I called or not. And I'm better than that.

This also refers to a guy you met at a party that's a friend of a friend. If he really likes you, he'll get your number from the friend. The second you call him and awkwardly say "Hi, I met you at the party, I got your number from Steve" all romantic inclinations will be out the door.

To set up dates
This one is very closely related to the above reason. Guys like to hunt. Guys like to feel like they're in charge (even though I laugh very evilly as I type that knowing full well we women are in charge). And how do they feel like they're in charge? By calling you and setting up dates. If you have to call to set up dates, then you're either dating a guy who isn't really that into you, but figures you're an easy piece of ass and he might get laid, or you're dating Mr. Lazy, and you can guarantee he'll be lazy the whole relationship, until you suggest marriage, at which time you'll never see him move so fast to get out.

Just to talk
At first, I was so gung-ho on the reason not to call a guy is because they needed to feel like they were the one pursuing. I had friends rebuke this, "That's just not true. I don't agree. There's nothing wrong with calling a guy." Well, if you're not calling to set up a date, then what are you calling for? Just to talk. Those three words are a man's worst nightmare. Men use the phone for business. To set up dates. They do not want to be chitchatting with you, especially when they haven't decided if they even like you or not. (Note: once you are in a relationship, feel free to call the guy to talk, and likewise, he should be calling you every day to check in and talk with you. If he's not, then you're just time he's wasting, but that's another post for another time). If you catch him at a bad time, he will become irritated with you just wanting to gossip. He'll be thinking "why is she calling me? Can't this wait until our date tomorrow night?" And then he'll start thinking negative thoughts about you. You do not want a guy to be thinking negative thoughts about you while you're still in the courtship phase. Next thing you know, you're hearing the "it's not you, it's me" speech. In the beginning, the guy should be thinking he can't get enough of you, he can't wait to see you again. But if you're always there, calling him, he'll have had enough and I hate to say it, but your expiration date will be up shortly.


If he hasn't called you in a few days
This one should be a no-brainer, but for some reason, the majority of girls I know can't get it into their head. If he's not calling you, it does not mean he's lost his phone and doesn't have your number. It does not mean he's waiting for you to call. It means he didn't like you and doesn't have the balls to tell you he doesn't want to see you again.

I have a friend who is famous for this. Her excuse is "well, now I know." Now you know what? There was no mixed-signal here. No confusion over what happened. No "well, maybe he went white water rafting and lost his phone." No "maybe he died." He just doesn't like you and didn't have the balls to tell you he didn't want to see you again.

This one's the hardest because girls think one of two things.

1. They want to know why. Well, I say "Why do you want to know why? To have your feelings hurt?" Isn't the fact he doesn't want to see you enough? Besides, he's not going to tell you why, he's not going to answer his phone and you'll never know why anyways. This guy acted like a jerk and just decided to not call you again. Why are you going to give him the power of thinking he's such a great guy that you are begging to be with him. Or at least, that's what he's going to be thinking. He will see your number pop up, he will promptly hit ignore, then smile smugly to himself about what an awesome guy he is, girls are just begging for him. And since that's the case, why settle for you, when clearly Gisele would love to have at him. And please, if just for the sake of your fellow females out there, do not help inflate this guy's ego who's single and out on the market potentially hitting on me. Wouldn't you rather have him wonder what happened to you? And think maybe you were such a great girl that you already have another great guy and that you didn't even really care that much about him anyways?

2. They think "well, maybe he's waiting for me to call, after all, he did call me last." Don't fool yourself. If a guy wants to take you out, if a guy likes you, he will call you. He does not wait around to see if you'll call him. He doesn't want to take that risk. Sometimes (and very rarely), the guy will go out again with you if you call. But now, you're left with that nagging feeling "what if I never called him? Would he have ever called me? Does he even really like me, or just being nice?"

I've had friends who call, and sometimes the guy will answer and they'll go out again. It's rare, but it's happened. But you know what happened. The friend found herself calling every single time, and maybe a month later, the answering on the other line stopped. The truth is, you just weren't the guy's type. If you were, he'd have called you. And there's someone out there who will call you. Why try to force something? Guys are stubborn. If they've made up their mind, it's made up. And no amount of calling from you is going to change it. And wouldn't you rather have it end now, than in 3 weeks, when you've invested so much more and it makes the dump even that much more harsh?

Guys have stopped calling me. And I make it a rule to never ever call them. No exceptions. It's over. I do not call to find out what happened or hoping that maybe he was waiting for me to make the next call. And you know what has happened every single time? He calls me later. Oh sure, maybe it's a month or two later. One time it was 6 months later! But he called. It's eating away at him, why didn't I call? What am I doing? And now, the power's in my hands. The power to ignore and not call back. And usually, I'm so busy with my life, I already forgot about him.

By the way, when this happens, do not be tempted to go out with him again. He doesn't really want to go out with you, his curious nature just got the best of them, and he wants to know what you're up to. What do you have going on that you could just forget him and not call him like that?? I made the mistake of entertaining two guys in this manner. One, we just texted and chatted on the phone but he never asked me out again and it fizzled away. The other, we did go out one more time and I'm sad to say, he disappeared again. Both times were straight up embarrassing for me.  And I'm better than that. I won't be making that mistake again.

He called last, so now it's my turn
NO NO NO NO NO!!!! The guy SHOULD be calling you. You're hot! You're fun! He can't wait to take you out again. In the beginning, it is not a driver's education car with passenger pedals. You let him do all the driving. You let him call you. Let him think you're a busy, popular girl with lots going on (because you are) and he would be so lucky to get the chance to go out with you again. Men innately want to be calling and doing all the work. The joke isn't the cave woman going and knocking the guy out with the club and dragging him back to her cave. In Victorian times, the guy was the gentleman caller and did all the courtship visits. It's in their DNA, and if you try to go against nature, it will backfire on you. I can guarantee it.


It is okay to call when...
You are returning a phone call. Be punctual and be polite and call back in a reasonable amount of time.
You are in an exclusive relationship and have had the "discussion."
That's it.

So, next time you're tempting to call, put the phone away. Read a book, go to the gym, call a friend instead. You'll be glad you did. 

Background for Guide on Dating and Men

Guide on Dating and Men

So, when I started this blog, the idea was to capture everything I know about dating and men, and regale the readers with some outrageous, some sweet, some happy, and some sad stories of my dating life. Hence the "Single in the River City."

So, what makes me an expert? Nothing really. I've dated for over 12 years, I've read several relationship dating books, I've been in serious relationships, and I've also had very long, very dry spells. I've been on more first dates than I can even remember. I've made some mistakes. I've done things right and it still didn't turn out right. Does this make me an expert? No. But it does provide me with a lot of real life experience that I can share with my readers, and hope it keeps you from making some of the same mistakes that either I, or my friends have made.

Besides my own personal experience, I'm also going to pull from the following books:

"He's Just Not that Into you" - Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

"Better Single Than Sorry" -  Jen Schefft

"Become Your Own Matchmaker" - Patti Stanger

"Love Smart" - Dr. Phil McGraw

"Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" - Steve Harvey

Wow, I've read a lot of relationship books, haven't I? And so the question begs to be answered. If I'm following all these rules, then why aren't I in some perfect relationship with the perfect guy? Well, the truth is, I have learned a lot from these books, and am living by these rules and even though I am not in the perfect relationship, I'm also not in an imperfect relationship, crying and losing sleep over some guy. Rather than snagging me the perfect guy, these books saved me from countless heartbreaks with deadbeat guys.

The reason I'm single isn't because listening to the rules that I learned in these books and learned from real life didn't work. The reason I'm single is because I've learned I'm better than settling, and I just haven't met the right guy for me yet. Plain and simple.

However, when I do meet that perfect guy, I know I'll be armed with all the right tools. In the meantime, I can rest assured knowing I haven't made tons of mistakes with guys that just weren't into me, waste time with guys that weren't serious potential, sleep with guys hoping that would make them like me and end up regretting another number on my bedpost, or worse, a potential STD, or settle for a guy that didn't have his life together or treat me the way I know I deserve to be treated. While I don't have a ring on my finger just yet, I do not have the drama and the heartbreak that so many of my friends have. The trying to force guys to like me, the wasting months, years, with guys that will never propose. The dating of emotionally unavailable men, all in the name of "well, it's better than being single" or "maybe he'll change" or "how do I know I'll find someone else" or even worse "he's the best I'll ever find."

You have to know and believe you will find someone better, someone that treats you right, someone that respects you. But he won't find you if you're dating some loser, just so you don't have to be alone on a Friday night.

So, here begins my adventures in dating...